You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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