I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
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