I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
