I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
She either was great at sex or I finished the whole bottle of svedka my self
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
I got back and Katie was asleep holding a burrito. I woke her up and she ate it and passed back out.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Randomize
