I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
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