I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
