you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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