omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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