If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Its where this guy sticks a jar up his ass. Be prepared to be suspended between vomiting and cheering.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
