just threw up on my speech test, so much for a great semester
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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