I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
