Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
Randomize
