I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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