your thong is hanging out like whoa
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
