I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
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