good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
