What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
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