man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
