I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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