Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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