proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
It was fine until they started lighting shots of everclear on fire and making ME take them. That's when shit went down...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
LMAO. Stop. Men are such gentleman these days. I woke up with no one beside me and you got 6 cents
6 cents and no orgasm 💃🏻🎉
We are so blessed
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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