I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
The police officer that arrested me Friday night just bought me a shot
Randomize
