My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
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