So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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