Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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