If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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