Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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