Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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