Nice 2 c u showing ur bro some affection
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
Randomize
