I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
