The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
