gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize