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OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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