i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
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