he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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