if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
my being single is dangerous.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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