Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
