God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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