a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
