Its okay if i dont like him.his junk is just too good to resist.model penis,lame guy.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
