It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
The struggles of a small town man whore
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