she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
It was an entirely appropriate time and place for sexual thoughts.
That doesn't make it ok to play by play me your honeymoon!
Randomize
