My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
