Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Randomize
