My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
this must be what syphilis tastes like
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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