god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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