Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
