So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
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