there's paper in my vomit.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Did you just see the Batmobile???
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
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