youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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