Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
There really needs to be a redbox for wine because I want some but too lazy to walk into a store
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
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