I think im going to throw up on grandma
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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