no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
