low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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