i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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